(originally published on October 12, 2016)
Finally, the one post hockey analysis and movie goers across the globe patiently wait for every season, the annual naming of the Superheroes Hockey Team.
Now that you are caught up with the structure of the team and the players who don the jerseys, get ready for the unveiling of this year’s team! Don’t get overly excited though, the team is almost the same with a few new additions in management and on the ice. These surprises should make you laugh a little and when you get to the bottom to see who didn’t make the team since last summer, you may actually sigh.
The whole point of this creative writing piece is to spark debates, to get you to say hey this is my favourite character, why are they not on the team? Also for you to say, why is this character playing on the left-wing? They would be better as the goalie, a defence man, or something else. Please if you feel strong about a character, leave me a comment to let me know what you think I should do to improve the team. All suggestions will be considered!
So without further a due, have fun reading through my longest post of the year and enjoy the upcoming hockey and movie season. Go Bruins!
Superheroes Hockey Team Management 2016-17
Team Owner: Tony Stark
In one of the hardest decisions ever to rock the Superheroes hockey team, Tony Stark (Iron Man) was forced into retirement. After the events of Captain America: Civil War, it was really difficult for team management to keep the first line together. The hatred between Iron Man and Captain America, the team’s captain, was too much. Tony acted like any billionaire playboy would, he simply took off his skates off and broke out the check book to purchase the team. He can now sit back and watch every game, while trying to control things from the owners box.
President of Hockey Operations: Nick Fury
It has been a rough two seasons for the President of hockey operations, which have not been limited to roster moves and fighting between the guys. With a whole slate of movies and new characters hitting the big screens between now and the end of the decade, Fury will have his hands full scouting for new talents and replacing old ones.
General Manager: Maria Hill
Maria took a beating in the press as the general manager of bunch of misfits who couldn’t keep their personal dramas out of the spotlight. Her biggest task is to pick the right guys for the right roles, but when no one seems to get along, the team’s core begins to break down. That’s when trades or roster cuts need to be explored, the only real way to shake things up.
Head Coach: Professor Charles Xavier
Same coach, different mind. I know most of you love Patrick Stewart, but I’ve always enjoyed the adventures of the younger X-Men characters. I thought it was time to switch the two professors and get a new voice in the dressing room. Hopefully this young mind is powerful enough to keep everyone in check.
Assistant Coach: Jean Grey/Phoenix
This position was created as an excuse to include my new celebrity crush on the team. Sophie Turner breathes a new life into the Jean Grey/Phoenix character, that was great in the original X-Men movies, which means we will expect great things from her in future projects. Her job here is to keep the guys focused on the task at hand during the game.
Assistant Coach: Black Widow
No one knows the guys better than the Russian heart breaker. She has the ability to keep Hulk in line, so it only made sense when Natasha stepped away from the ice she would turn into a coach.
Catwoman whips the guys into shape with her rigorous yoga and stretching program. Of course the guys all fight over who gets to place their mat at the front of the class, but boys will be boys.
Team Equipment Manager: Robin
(Joseph Gordon Levitt)
Robin is a smart guy. He’s known to keep darkest secrets and is never shy when it comes to getting his hands dirty. There is no job that he can’t handle, which is extremely important in the middle of a game when something goes wrong.
Team Skate Sharpener: Cyclops
Cyclops has a gift unlike anyone else in the hockey industry. His precision laser eyes give the players the edge they need on their skates, one that other players envoy.
Team Psychologist: Scarlet Witch
Scarlet Witch has a power that is unique in the universe. She has a lot of responsibility and handles it quite well. Her amazing talents are a great addition to the operations side of the team because sometimes the players just need to get their minds cleared.
Strength and Conditioning Coach: Wolverine
After watching Eddie the Eagle earlier in 2016, I came to realize how great of an instructor Hugh Jackman is. It only made sense to put his raw emotion and strength to good use in other areas other than on the ice. In order to make room on the team for up and coming players, Wolverine became a coach. No one is going to mess around the gym when Logan is working his players to be the best they can be.
Director of Press Relations: Peter Quill/Star-lord
Peter Quill is still the biggest mouth piece this side of the galaxy. His sarcastic attitude makes every news release worthy of headline news and clippings for the scrapbook. One day his press conferences will be studied in journalism schools.
Team Mascot: Rocket
Rocket is still holding down the team mascot position. Management is open to new ideas, yet no one has stepped up to offer up new suggestions. Maybe one day someone else will come along and become the merchandising face of the franchise.
Cheerleader: Harley Quinn
A lot of fans come to the games just to watch Harley strut her stuff in the crowd. Don’t be fooled though, keep your wallet and money under lock and key, this bad girl can keep you distracted with her charming good looks and rob you blind. After the release of Suicide Squad, Harley Quinn became the ultimate cheerleader (bat and all) because of her zealous approach to life and the smile that never seems to fade.
Zamboni Driver: Deadpool
You are allowed to get mad at this selection all you want, but there was really no other place to put Deadpool other than on the Zamboni. We couldn’t put him anywhere else because when you drive a Zamboni in a movie to kill people, that becomes your position by default. On top of this Ryan Reynolds is Canadian, and pretty much anyone who lives in the great white north wonders what it is like to drive the Zamboni.
The Superheroes Hockey Team 2016 – 2017
Starting Goalie: Spider-Man
Spider-Man is one of the most high-flying and flexible super heroes out there. Today in hockey, goal tending is all about durability and athleticism. Spider-Man continues to impress between the pipes and delivers victories when called upon.
Back-Up Goalie: Wonder Woman
There’s no explanation why there has to be a woman as the back up goalie, yet Wonder Woman was just so good in try outs she couldn’t be left off this team. The logic behind her selection is her mighty shield will handle a lot of the workload, while her sword will be a great goalie stick. Tall and flexible are key traits for a goalie in today’s game, so Wonder Woman will serve as a great replacement for Black Widow.
Team Superheroes First Line
The first line of Superheroes happens to be some of my favorite characters ever. Sadly I thought it was time to break up the line and I got creative on why I pulled the trigger on the shake up. I know in previous seasons I vowed never to split up my favorites, but movie story lines gave me angles to pursue and I did.
Ultimately the first line is made up of the best of the best. Even though all these players come from the Marvel Universe, my heart and mind told me that these five guys would be the most feared on the opening face off.
Defense Pairing: Hulk & Beast
The two monsters on defense remain the team’s two pairing thanks to their undeniable chemistry together and pure strength. Beast may be a better skater with the puck, but Hulk always hangs back in the neutral zone to wait for opposing players to attempt an entry into his area of the ice. Both creatures are not afraid to take the body and enjoy raising hell on the ice.
Ant-Man has abilities most superheroes would only dream of. He deserved a position as the top center on this team because he can get in and out of jams. Whether he’s in the corner cycling the puck or in front trying to tip a shot from the point, Ant-Man can adjust his size and throw off defenders who will have no answer for the newest addition to the team.
Left Wing: Captain America
Captain America may have taken a beating in movies and in the press for his destructive friendships, but he remains the heart and soul of this team. He takes great pride in the “C” on his sweater and continues to strive to be a great leader in today’s ever revolving game.
Right Wing: Eric Lensherr/Young Magneto
Eric is a unique talent. He brings two different types of games to the rink on a nightly basis, a good guy one and a bad guy one. If you piss him off or attempt to hurt him, there’s really no telling what could happen to you. Sometimes it is hard to keep him under control, but when he brings his A game, he’s one of the best scorers in the universe.
Team Superheros Second Line
A mixed bag of players and attitudes make up the second line, which ultimately has a lot of ego conflicts, yet is strong enough to build or break the rink. There’s really no rhyme or reason for selections here, except that I kept one theme with the second line, everyone needed to wear a cape. It is pretty cool to watch these guys skate up and down the ice with such speed their capes fly in the wind and provide the perfect distraction for goalies who don’t know what to expect.
Defense Pairing: Thor & Vision
Thor and Vision are the caped crusaders of the Avengers. Very similar to our first pairing, Thor is a more stay at home defense man who looks for bone crunching hits, while Vision uses his superior knowledge skills to set up break outs with such ease. These two compliment each other’s skill sets and make for such a great pairing.
Batman had a busy off-season. Not only did he bulk up in the weight room, but he decided to fight Superman over some old grudges they had at training camp many years ago. Even though there have been many different people to don the cape and cowl, the Batman we need on this team can only come from the Christopher Nolan power skating school. That Batman is the kind of mind the second line needs. He’s super slick with his game play, a style he learnt from being trained overseas.
Right Wing: Superman
Superman has been through it all and just keeps showing up for more. Opposing players always think they can get the best of him because of his calm and kindhearted demeanor but Clark Kent has a fiery passion for the game. He’s never one to back down from a fight, while always protecting his teammates.
Left Wing: Loki
Loki is cold and calculating. He could easily be on the third line, yet he wears a cape and fights alongside his brother to round out the second line. Loki is one of the few superheroes who draw a lot of penalties from opponents by luring them into fighting or other penalties by diving and acting hurt all the time. The referees often wonder what is real or not, so Loki is often described as a little ball of hate.
Team Superheros Third Line
If you have made it this far down the roster you will notice everyone has been a good guy. Now to throw off opponents management went out to tame a few bad guys and get them on the ice. There are so many bad characters out there in comic book land, yet some stand out far worse than others. There’s been two switches on this line over the first two seasons, yet these ruthless guys were so impressive last season the line stayed intact. The future looks bright for bad guys which means there’s always room for improvement on the team and this line.
Defense Pairing: Bane & Drax
Bane and Drax continue to be the backbone of the bad guys line. Both of these guys have a nasty side that terrorizes players who dare cross the blue line when they are out there. Bane continues to have a one track mind, which involves just hammering opposing players, which always result in numerous injuries. Drax focuses on actually playing defense and being a better team-mate. The two bond well and keep each other in check if one happens to go too far.
Center: The Joker
The Joker continues to be the best villain in the game of hockey today. By the time the clown decides to hang up the skates, he’ll probably own every record involving penalty minutes, fights, suspensions, skate by muggings, stabbings from skate blades, murders by hockey stick, and of course smiles made out of opponent’s blood. Joker may not seem like a nice guy, but the rest of the team enjoys his antics. He’s the guy you always want on your team and never want to play against.
Right Wing: The Winter Solider
Bucky can’t decide if he wants to be a good guy or a bad guy, and if he wants to stay on the team or head back to the ice box. We all know what he is capable of when he’s having a bad day, while many don’t know exactly what he wants on good days. His heart is in the right place and having the name winter means he will always have a home on this team, even when he is a bad guy.
Left Wing: Ultron
Ultron stayed on the team despite the fact he is a terrible bad guy. He might be mighty powerful both on the mental and physical sides, yet there hasn’t been a good enough bad guy to take his spot on the line. Some may point out to Yellowjacket belonged in this spot, but really who would you rather not face – Ultron or him. Some day in the near future a bad guy will come along and force one of these guys out of the picture, until then the Avengers greatest threat remains on the team.
Team Superheros Fourth Line
Built for sweep and goal scoring, this fourth line is always over looked in the scouting reports, despite the enormous amount of talent hidden at the end of the bench.
Quicksilver is the envy of every skater out there as he continues to break his own records for fastest skater. His lightning quick speed really compliments his line mates because when they need the puck he gets it to them. He’s also pretty known to steal hot dogs and nachos from the fans in the middle of the shift. Quicksilver is a prankster and tries to find humor in everything.
Right Wing: Black Panther
Black Panther got the nod over other actors because he is a dual sport athlete. Not only did he break the color barrier in baseball, he also dons one sick outfit to fight bad guys in the Avengers. His commitment to training, revenge, and sports in general made him a great addition to the fourth line.
Left Wing: Hawkeye
Hawkeye continues to be a quiet goal scoring machine, tucked away on the fourth line. When the opponents think they finally get a break from the top lines of the team, Hawkeye comes out to torch them for a few goals a game. His legendary shot never misses the mark, considering he’s given a 6′ x 4′ target to hit.
Superheros/villains who didn’t make the cut
It pains management that not everyone who tries out for the team, actually gets to make the final cut. Sadly with a plethora of movies hitting the big screens there is now such a long list of characters that in the future there could be two full teams. This year’s final cuts were Deadshot (Suicide Squad) because there really wasn’t a spot for him. Captain Boomerang (Suicide Squad) didn’t seem like the hockey type. Diablo (Suicide Squad) really can’t be around the ice rink, while Killer Croc (Suicide Squad) also didn’t fit the hockey type. Yellowjacket (Ant-Man) could have been on the bad guy line, yet I didn’t feel his character costume would actually work in the ice rink setting. All the characters in the Fantastic Four – Mr. Fantastic, The Thing, The Invisible Woman, and The Human Torch really under performed at the box office and at try-outs, so it was hard to justify their roles anywhere on the team. Doom was a terrible villain and if he didn’t get beat up on the ice, the feeling was the guys would beat him up in the dressing room.
Groot remains off the team because the guys would probably just cut him down and make wooden hockey sticks out of him.
The worst cuts were Iron Patriot and The Falcon (Captain America). Sadly events led the Patriot to get injured and now is learning how to walk again. The Falcon meanwhile deserves a spot on this team because Anthony Mackie is really athletic and would bond well with his team mates, yet there just wasn’t a spot open this year.
There is also a whole bunch of X-Men characters, major and minor, who could some day crack the line up but for now the majority of those guys are on the outside looking in.
In closing, this list is getting more and more complex to write every year. As of today the team really evolves around the main/leading characters. Most of these guys have appeared in several movies and some have even crossed over into other franchises besides their own.
I decided three years ago to create a hockey team because out of all the major sports, hockey has been a part of my life since I was a kid. I’ve wondered since last year’s team if I could take all these guys and put them on the football field or even the baseball diamond. Sadly I don’t think I’d have the same structure and some of these characters would be in roles that really don’t really fit the sport. I am open to creating two teams sometime in the near future when new superhero movies get pumped out every other month.
Thank you for taking the time to read, laugh, and get mad at my superheros hockey team. I look forward to many comments and replies as to how you may have structured your own team based on my characters or your own. Just remember the one simple rule I used, in order to be eligible for the team they must have appeared in a major motion picture, TV shows are not eligible.